Breakups
Breakups
First up, it is okay not to be okay, please cry if you need as it is all part of the healing process. You are here because you are experiencing a great deal of pain and you should not resist or reject it, but rather work through, reframe, and figure out the best frame of mind to encompass you on your journey forward. That is what we are here to do today, let’s delve deep, work through the experiences you may be having and discover new perspectives and habits which may provide some reassurance to your sense of self.
Experience of a Breakup
Whether the fixer or the one who checked out, a breakup is brutal. What may have been ongoing hurt and confusion within a relationship has now come to an end and the initial feeling being a deep sense of shock, our reality has been spun upside down and our mind does not know where to start or how to fill in the missing pieces, all which encompasses it is a coinciding sense of loss and relief, a mind not knowing how to navigate between the two. Relief comes as a hurtful situation has come to an end, loss comes cause we have now lost someone we truly loved. The first few days filled with emptiness, waking only to feel your heart melt, your thoughts delving, what could have been and what could’ve been done. The weeks which follow mostly depression and navigating thoughts, this is where we will begin, and we will work through your thoughts together.
Working Through Your Thoughts
So you are going through a breakup, the next few weeks are going to be filled with countless thoughts and emotions, so how do we navigate this? We have to work through thought, and surrender to the emotion which surrounds it, once we have allowed it to pass through us, from there we can reframe if need be, and slowly let it go. Here are some thoughts for you to work through.
Acceptance of Thought
Thoughts are flooding and inescapable for the time being and we will have to accept them for the feelings they cause us in this moment, this is part of the process of recovery, attempt not to reject it but rather feel and work through it. Each thought which becomes provoked is a stepping stone which needs to be endured. Allow it to enter, and give yourself the space and environment to dwell in its arousal of emotions and additional thoughts attached. The more we reject the pain of enduring such thought, blocking it from our psyche, the less we are able to work through them and feel the suffering which will be felt one way or another. Give permission to thought and emotion to burn through you, like a furnace in your heart burning up all the pain and suffering which you will need to endure. Acceptance of thought is to allow yourself to succumb to it the moment it takes place, once we have burned that thought and emotion through the furnace within, it will no longer be present in your future, this is how to obtain a precise and full recovery, as much as it hurts.
The Fixer
The fixer is the one who attempts to hold together the relationship, even at the expense of losing oneself. It is a tough gig being the fixer, the more you attempt to fix and repair the more the other pulls away. You better yourself, you do more for the relationship, you live in constant need for reassurance for someone who is no longer capable of providing for the needs you need met. This state of vulnerability can prompt us to overlook our own health, making it dependent on this other which we have formed an unhealthy, anxious attachment towards. If this was you in the relationship make sure of this; do not choose they, who do not choose you. Yes they may be a wonderful being, or maybe not, but if they are not choosing you, then they are not for you, now you know longer have to derive your sense of wellbeing, according to how another mistreats you, but you can derive it from yourself. Don’t let the disregard from your partner delude you into hateful thought or action within you as an individual. An ambitious intent to repair in a relationship is a good quality, it only goes too far when you begin to lose your sense of self, prevent that and stay true to who you are in future relationships.
Being Checked Out
Becoming checked out is a difficult process to endure. What starts as one thought which confuses and throw us aloof stems to many, overtime eliciting a lack of spark in our relationship, increased judgement or comparison of our partner, and overall the realized lack of compatibility that this may not be the relationship you wish to pursue forever. If you were the one to have checked out in your relationship and you felt you could no longer genuinely attend to your partners needs, then ending the relationship will cause suffering for yourself and your partner, but at least that suffering sheds light at the end of the tunnel for the both of you. When checked out, the hardest part is to recognize if you are making the right decision, and causing pain for the one you have endured so much with. You made the right decision, don’t second guess yourself, as if you were checking out now then it is likely the relationship would not have lasted the distance. You and your partner were both facing increased suffering in the relationship throughout this process. Now you, and your partner are free of this burden, will suffer for a little longer, but we will all find ourselves in the end.
Attachment
Unhealthy Attachment
Unhealthy attachment is a mental desire. You can feel this now, as you desire something deeply which may no longer be a part of your life. You may come to realize how heavily attached you are to this individual. An unhealthy addiction even, this attachment has built over the course of your relationship to the point you became so heavily invested that it determines your mental health. An unhealthy attachment can involve the need for someone for the protection of oneself, it is needing someone to provide for your sense of happiness, being dependent on someone else for your emotional states, wellbeing and sense of reassurance. If how you felt on a continual basis was due to how your partner was acting or responding to you, then this is an unhealthy attachment, and being without the relationship will allow you to figure out what genuine attachment feels like; to love unconditionally with the understanding of impermanence; to wish happiness upon another regardless of if they live their life with or without you. If you were holding onto the relationship, even through immense suffering towards the end of it, demanding control or reassurance from our partners then this demonstrates attachment which stemmed to the point of a necessity for your partner to provide for your happiness; now it is time to wish the best for them and determine your own happiness.
To Love Without Attachment
Love, and wish for your partner to be happy weather that is with you in their life, or not. This stems to all relationships, including your future partners. If you can uphold a love for someone yet understand the fleeting nature of all relationships, then we can love them for them and not love them for what they provide for us. When it comes to your current relationship which has now moved on, it is to love and accept their happiness, appreciate the times spent together for what it was but not cling to, or attach to the mental desire or need for this relationship to continue. Yes, it may feel as though it is this love you have for this other person which is currently destroying you, but it is not the love, it is the attachment of needing them to be a part of your life, to provide for you, to be with you. To love to truly love, is to wish the best for them, no matter the circumstances. To attach is to need things to be a certain way. Everyone in your life leaves you at some point, family friends, relationships, whether it is death or non-compatibility all relationships will be lost. Understanding this flow of impermanence allows us to love while things are before us, but not attach or control for things to flow the way we desire it. You cannot control people, you cannot control life, it is everchanging and we flow and change with it. The mental desire to will it to your perceived direction will only cause suffering, hardship and doubt. Love what is before you always, do not will it to your direction and this is what it means to love without attachment. Trust that life will have your back, and the perceptions you have of things is the only thing for you to wield control.
Change
Everything is subject to change. When we hold onto something, we are more in fear of losing it, instead of appreciating it as it is before us in the moment. We do not have ownership over anything or anyone within our lives. We do not force our friends to be our friends, it happens naturally, if our friend decides one day not to be our friend, then it is out of our control, yet life moves on. Impermanence tells us that all people are going to leave us at one stage in our lives, the more we attempt to cling or hold onto people, as they come and go into our lives, the more we are going to suffer. When we embrace and encourage each of our experiences, good and bad, yet with the realization that life and people in it are always changing then we learn to love things while with them in the moment, but without the need for them to be a constant within our lives. This depiction that one was meant to be with us forever, hurts us, we seek ownership and control over an individual only to push them further away, we can lose our sense of we who are, because we think another is necessary for our depiction of oneself and our future. Lifes a journey, you are the main character for this 10D movie which we live, not anyone else. You can triumph struggle, becoming a better person because of it, you can face this hardship, you can face the unknown, as this is part of what makes life so interesting, and looking back months or years from now, this struggle could very possibly be a good thing that you will reflect on as essential for your growth. Accept the flow of life and the people in it. If something does not work out for one reason or another, then you will have to come to the realization that maybe this was not the permanent path you were meant to travel, there’s more paths, pursued correctly and with profound realization of impermanence you can stop pursuing a life pre-perceived as integral, and pursue a new life with acceptance of the joy, experience and change within it.
Reframing the Negative
Ideal Relationship
We as individuals can hold onto a euphoric picture of our relationship that we once had. Even though we know how clearly we were hurting towards the end of it we forget all the red flags and begin to idealize the relationship once more, reflecting on the good times, comfort and happiness we derived from it. This is awesome, but don’t forget the reasons you felt pain, the confusion or uncertainty you felt, the clarity of mind which was no longer in your control. Now all of this will be within your personal control, no more dependence on others, especially if those others require something from you that is preventing you from feeling comfortable in being your true self. Yes, there were beautiful times, but don’t overlook all the hardship you endured, the pain suffered and succumbed to due to this other person in your life. Once we look past the beauty and deep attachment we hold, we begin to formulate a realistic image of the relationship we had, and recognize that the person who was across the room, is just another person at the end of the day, you will be okay, maybe even better off without them. Same too, if they did not choose you, then they are not for you.
Sense of Loss
A large aspect to our lives revolved around this other individual. When we lose this person a sense of loss engulfs us, as what seemed an essential part of our lives has now diminished. When feeling this sense of loss, attempt to find gratitude in the things which are still a positive aspect of your life. It is easy to get caught in the feelings that we have lost something which is of core value to who we are, this is not true. The core value of who you are is not derived from others, but from yourself, and now you have uncovered all the time in the world to delve into this enhancement of ones life. As much as you have lost a big part of what you are used to, you have now gained the freedom to obtain and navigate your own thoughts, without the mental deterrence of spending it on others. It will take time before this sense of loss reveals a sense of opportunity, keep working positively in your recovery, and clarity in mind will be found in euphoric realizations.
Diminished Comfort
You are going to be uncomfortable for the time being, it is very likely that it was your significant other in which you derived your comfort, making comfort at this period in your life quite difficult to find. Extend this needed comfort to others. Siblings, family, friends, psychologists, these individuals which participate honorably in your life can provide comfort to the same extent within ones life. Yes, it may not be cuddles and affection which we are so used to having, but it will be honesty, and genuine connection, someone who is there for you, and wants to be there for you. Also aim to seek comfort in ones environment and personal company. Sitting in a meditative environment, without pressure from outside sources but rather the time and patience to just sit and reflect can help us to find comfort in the working through process of ones own thoughts. This is where we relax, allowing thought and emotion to flow through, with time, this is the nesting ground for clear, comfortable, thought.
Emptiness
We feel empty, so much emptiness to the point our prior hobbies do not fill the void of all our pain. If you have heard the term, to empty oneself before becoming who we truly are, then this is that same process. At times you will have to sit with this emptiness, then slowly rebuild. This dramatic change in ones life can help aid further change. We are already changing as this has already been willed into our life, but from this emptiness we are able to provoke further change in the direction of our choosing. Remember this is your life now, whatever is before you is your new reality, empty yourself of all that is prior and build anew. Old habits, patterns of thought or actions which did not contribute positively to our life, are easily reshaped when building from nothing. Take this emptiness and evolve it into a new you, now is the time to do those things which you’ve always wanted to do, to develop that mentality which you’ve always depicted as the prestigious you. Be empty, sit with it, and in time, build anew.
Unworthiness
Someone leaves us, they do wish for us to be a further part of their lives, this makes us feel unworthy. Feeling unworthy can diminish our confidence towards who we are as an individual. Just because another made us feel unworthy does not deem it true. This unworthiness stems from the sense of self we derived from this other being in our lives, if they are no longer a part of our lives, guess what, we no longer need to derive our sense of self from this other individual. At this point when we remove the need for recognition in their eyes, then our sense of self becomes purely up to how we perceive ourselves. Stop feeding yourself from their perspective, don’t beat yourself down based off another’s thoughts, as it is your mind and your life which you inherit now, so steer it away from thoughts which provide you with discomfort and belittlement. Build that worthiness within yourself and for yourself, your depiction of who you are as an individual is all that matters now, and it is your responsibility to speak positively of oneself and steer your beliefs in the right direction.
The Positives
We have delved into the hardships of breaking up, yet there are many wonderful aspects to breaking up once recovery has been sought through and acceptance of the new reality has been met.
Time
Time, so much time! All the time in the world perhaps to pursue your life, indulge in your pleasures, and build a new world completely determined by you. When we’ve been contributing so much time to another individual it is an immense learning experience, though we lose all this time to contribute to oneself. Now the doors have opened to pursue everything you have ever wished to pursue and time to participate in these tasks is now completely determined by you. No more other person to attend to, no more accommodating them through your actions in your day-to-day life, it is your life now, and your time as well, and you can do whatever you wish with it. Time holds value, it is always fleeting making it more precious than to spend it on environments which are no longer accommodating you. Now time is no longer spoiled in pressure and upkeep. Relax with this time, be productive in it, do whatever you wish with this immense currency which has now prospered in your life. Time is awesome.
Freedom and Freewill
Freedom and freewill. No more pressure to live according to this other person, you can now do anything, there are no restraints from your relationship. The guilt trip we feel when accidentally making our significant other upset will no longer take place, the constant looking over your shoulder making sure you’re abiding to this other persons needs is no longer something to worry about. Smoke when you want, flirt when you want, play games, watch movies, party, go to the beach with your mates, everything is purely freewill, this freedom enriching your life when you allow it. Freedom and freewill tells us, whatever is before you is your new reality, no stress, no worries just doing as you please. It is a nice feeling, to sit with yourself, and know that whatever you express into the world is no longer innately judged by you or your significant other.
Clarity of Mind
A mind once foggy with confusion, the need for reassurance, the thoughts of another’s life and actions, this mind now becomes completely your own, and oh it feels euphoric. Some nights once recovery has been met, you may stay up for extended periods of time just indulging in your own clarity of mind. So many thoughts to be discovered when your mind is no longer fully occupied by a relationship, it will be a wonder, a fulfilling self-discovery in new thoughts you never thought capable. In time, thought around the relationship and the breakup will decrease, and new thoughts will immerge to fill the gaps. After all the suffering you have been through, these prospering thoughts will be the light at the end of the tunnel, direct them towards a positive future and you’ll be sure to be fulfilled. Clear mind, happy life, no more daily stressors, or parts of the relationship to think about, your mind will become your own completely, this is an enlightening experience.
Relationships
Relationships with others will become expansive when you are present in the relationships which have gone vastly overlooked. We withhold ourselves from participating in interactions when our mind is occupied in thoughts around our relationship, we are too much in thought rather than presence. We also restrict ourselves from fully embracing relationships or certain conversations due to not wanting to give wrong impressions so that we accommodate for our partner. Now the thoughts are with each interaction you make, you can embrace relationships which have gone overlooked due to spending so much time with another, and you can compound your conversations with presence and an aura free of personal problems or distracted thought taking peace of mind away from the moment. More time to contribute to making the other relationships in your life more meaningful, and the freewill to say and do as you wish. Look after your friends, look after your mother, your family, and have a little more fun with colleagues and the people you meet, it is all to your own accord.
Habits Which Help
Given the breakup, so much time encompasses you. In the early stages of breaking up, here are some habits which help towards the road of recovery. Participating in these habits over the further course of your life, even after recovery will provide immense benefit.
Journalling
Journalling is the number one road to recovery. With a mind overloaded with thought and emotion it must be dispersed out of mind, on to paper so that we may analyze or overcome it. When journalling our mind becomes rationalized on paper, writing allows us to delve into ideas further and reevaluate the ideas we currently have. Attempt to write truthfully about how you feel, the thoughts which are encompassing you, involving the breakup, periods of the relationship, where you stand now, a path forward or the new roads you wish to travel. All of this will help you to work through thought, rather than leaving it stagnant and bundled in your head. Journaling is about reflection, it is a conversation with yourself, facing your heart, your mind in the quest for discovering who you are, the life you have lived, and a life you strive for going forward. When your head feels heavy, sit and write, get those thoughts out of your mind and somewhere you can see it, journalling is the number one road to understanding and recovery.
Reading
Reading is peaceful and relaxing, yet provides compounding wisdom into your life. Reading can be tough when filled with so many thoughts, so give it a second, and when you do pick up that book make it a book which can provide assistance to what you are currently going through in life. A New Earth is one I turned to, those perspectives altering my outlook completely, shifting away from attachment and into a domain unconditional love. Reading the right book can alter your perspective on current events completely. Reading the right book also offers a perfect pass time, a distraction to the burdens you currently carry. Sit down, read, relax, reflect, move to your journal with new thoughts or realizations and this is an essential environment for recovery.
Companionship
Friends, family and whoever else is willing to listen, companionship is a lifesaver when it comes to a breakup. Someone who listens to you spiel your thoughts and accompanies you through them is one of the most accommodating experiences for overcoming a breakup. Sometimes a friend can see things which you could not, they were there when you were sad or stressed, most likely witnessing these destructions over the deterioration of your relationship. They are with you now, whilst you are struggling so share and be open with those relationships which do want you as a part of their life, and one day you will be there for them whilst they struggle, a give and take. Seek friends and companions to share your struggles and provide the compassion and companionship you may currently need. If you currently feel the need to voice your concerns and have no one at the ready to speak to, contact Ponderknowledge and we will have a chat, there are plenty of people here all supporting one another as a community.
Sitting and Reflecting
Sometimes to sit and reflect is all we can do in the moment, and that is a good thing. With so many thoughts to delve into it is necessary we find that space to sit with them and reflect. When constantly on the move and interacting with others we can fail to give ourselves time with our own thoughts, time without navigating ourselves provokes a whirlwind of unchecked thoughts and emotions which for a healthy path forward will need to take place at some point during recovery. During these segments of reflecting let the emotions flow out, feeling emotion built within you is the best way of letting it out. Think, reflect, and indulge in the feelings which take place, it is all okay and it all must be felt, let it through you, don’t bundle it up inside.
Gym
Gym is healthy, don’t rush into it but when you’re ready gym will help to provide a feeling of accomplishment in your day to day life. The dopamine excreted will help provide fulfillment at the sensation of building who you are as an individual. Gym enhances how we feel about ourselves, and after a breakup, our relationship with ourselves is of the upmost importance. We build our strength, we build our figure, we build our confidence, releasing positive hormones with each weight we lift. With new disciplines realized we form new healthy pursuits to accompany us in life. Gym is also a place to think, and to think while pursuing a better self will provide you also with feelings of reassurance, feelings of strength in what you can do and overcome. Gym to provide for yourself, promote positive hormones within you, which aims to obtain a healthier version of you in the future, one more capable then the you, you would have been in the relationship.
Watch Helpful Videos
Breakup videos are helpful, they offer new perspectives for you to think about and indulge in. If you do not have the mental capacity to participate in other habits, yet are searching for something to provide a little extra clarity around what you are going through, then videos may be the best bet. Videos offered by people who have gone through the same adversities and made it out the other side demonstrates a reassurance that you can do the same. Watching or having explained to you the methods which help and those which do not, can help foster the best possible road to recovery and personal growth.
Adversarial Growth
We suffer as human beings, yet we also have the capability to triumph over these sufferings, and instead of allowing them to bring us down to a stagnant set of thoughts and beliefs, we can allow it to transform us into better individuals, going on to produce us better lives. A breakup, triggers immense pain, it is described as a coke addiction which we must overcome, overcoming this addiction, done slowly, with time and realizations will ten fold who you are as an individual, this is called adversarial growth. Feel the pain, feel the suffering, journal, learn, work through it slowly and with positive intent until eventually it is overcome, this is where the magic happens. You will grasp your own mind back; all it has been through making you stronger for the things you face in the future, this triumph over darkness allowing one to more be able to recognize the light. Hardships won, is growth which become a part of who you are as an individual, we can choose to reject and deny adversities which may have occurred, but then we wallow in their downfall, in this perception that they cannot be overcome. Instead of clinging to our past, we must work to triumph this suffering for our future. I know it is hard right now to see the fruitful path forward, but to partake in this suffering of the moment and figure out ways through this hardship is for now the first step. With time the pain will reduce, and new roads of clarity will appear.
Euphoria
We’ve hurt for so long, that when this pain subsides and the positive recognition of our new life ahead takes place, you will be filled with a sense of euphoria. You will smile and be happy once more, you will inherit the freedom of oneself and the opportunities and freedoms of the life you live. It is pure bliss to recognize the pain you have recovered from, the hardship you have overcome, making you a stronger more powerful person for the future. Euphoric sensation will elicit your body and mind, and you will be free of the doubt around the past and have the freedom to pursue a more positive future. Live day by day, live moving forward rather than in reflection of a past which is no longer suitable for you. Build a new you, pursue life with no regrets as there is a whole euphoric world which awaits. Grieve, reshape, recover, gain freedom in mind and in action, and euphoria awaits. It’s a process, but you’ll get through, a new you, and a new life awaits.
